I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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