The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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