someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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