Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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