so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
