i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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