STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
