Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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