Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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