FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
