life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
