sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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