Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm jealous of your bromance
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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