her vagine was all disorganized.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
