He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
