I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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