Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
