What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Randomize
