The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
