so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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