Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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