apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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