Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
True strength comes from lack of pants
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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