I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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