I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
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