At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
