clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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