I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
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