there's paper in my vomit.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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