you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
