i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
