Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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