just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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