sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
