Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
