3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
