No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
