Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
