Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I am one with the molecules
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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