turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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