he thought i was a dude.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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