My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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