I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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