wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
