Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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