I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
