can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
