he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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