I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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