Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
